It's been awhile since I've put any of my writing out to the world. I have been very private lately, as my journey has been so personal. Diving deep, deep into myself, I have discovered things I never wanted to see before. I have looked at myself in a way that has scared me off in the past.
Writing about myself requires a certain level of vulnerability and trust. I open myself up to judgements, from others and also my own critical mind. Over the past couple months I have written almost everyday. I moved from skimming the surface of my existence to go within and really BE with myself. I found some things I didn't see before. I found parts of me I really don't like, almost ashamed of. I looked at behaviours that have kept me in a holding pattern of destruction, sabotage and self-loathing. I looked at all the good, the amazing qualities I exude from my being. I've sat, and sat and sat some more. Instead of pushing these away and rejecting - the good, the bad and the ugly...I sat with them all. I sat with them, got to understand them and know them better. I've come to accept them, in all their imperfection.
As much as I want all of these ugly parts of who I am to disappear and go back into hiding, there is no going back. They have been revealed, and all I can do now is accept these beasts within me. You see, the ugliness of who I am, is part of me. As I move towards total acceptance of all of me, I can begin to accept other people in all they are too. I can let go of judgements of who you are. Maybe, just maybe...in total acceptance of myself and others, I just might be able to step off the hamster wheel of repetition and walk down a new path.
I want to trust. Period. Trusting requires vulnerability. Vulnerability requires trust. Both require me to move out of my own way. To stop placing walls in front of me. Stepping out from behind these walls can be scary. I am left wide open. It is only in being open that I am able to move forward and out of my own way. Getting in my own way is how I have existed through my life. Repeating a mantra of not being good enough...not being worthy...sabotaging anything that may be good. Sabotaging opportunities to grow.
You see, it is in my nature to start off really positive. As time passes, in order to protect myself from failing, from being hurt, from being VULNERABLE, I end up projecting failure, hurt and negativity onto anything and anyone that might be a good thing. When good things happen to other people, I go into my own self-pity, crying "WHY!?" "Why do good things happen to everyone else and not me!!" Whoa's me. Poor me. The pity party that ensues, takes me down a spiral into this place of numbness. I loved to blame everyone else. I was so good at taking stock of everyone else's shortcomings. WOW. The place where lethargy and depression live. The cave in which I retreat to try to hide from my own self-sabotage.
So, I decided to look in the mirror. What I saw out there in other people and things, was actually just a reflection of how I really felt inside. Looking at how I was feeling/reacting/judging/ others, I can take a deep look inside of where that resides in me. I feel grateful for what I am being shown, even all the ugliness I have tried to hide for so long. As I keep diving in, I continue to resurface with a different perspective. With each descent down into my darkness, I come back out lighter than the last time. The clarity in which I can see my life is changing how I relate. It is changing how I see myself. It is changing how I see others.
As the veils of illusion keep getting wiped from my vision, I can trust. As judgement of myself and others begin to dissolve, I gain courage to be vulnerable, even when I want to hide.
Step on the path.
Photo credit: Meghan Currie @meghancurrieyoga